Monday, July 28, 2014

"So...you wanna cuddle?"

        The summer of 2014 has been a complicated summer that has included me secretly spending time with an ex-girlfriend (Ariel) of five years, nursing friend-lationships with a young Upper West Sider (Beth) as well as an old high school crush (Lisa). 

On the night of July 26th, however, fate really weaved an interesting web; I ended up on the floor, in a resort with seven other people, cuddling with a long-time coworker (Cat). There was no sex mind you just two people holding one another, sleeping, laughing, & enjoying an innocence that had been absent since child-hood.

        Was I turned on the least bit? Of course I was. As I held her, our eyes would lock on to one another and we would smile gently. I was firm for almost the entire night and it was a quick clean-up job in the morning to prepare for the ride home. Yet, as we drove, we spoke about our experience; it was intense -- the "oxytocin" was strong and we had bonded over the course of the night. However, I feel like any relationship between the two of us would fail to endure; I love cuddling with her but I don't want it to go any further. I have trust issues, insecurity issues, and a career that requires an immediate resuscitation. 

        I should be even more honest: I ended a very intense year-old relationship with a woman who I thought I would be marrying; it was painful (she picked the janitor) and I've been recovering ever since. I don't want a relationship, I don't need a relationship, but I do need be touched. I need to feel another human being, I need to know that I'm not a machine, and I truly want an innocent relationship without the physical complexities. For now, that's all I need, it's all I want and I started this blog to remind myself what the hell I'm doing.